I was remembering something I used to do as a girl when ever I had a pen and a flat surface. I would write “jovanna was here”. Everyone else was doing it, and it seemed like the cool thing to do as a kid. It was a statement to others who would come after me. It let them know I had been there at one time before them.
I wonder if it’s because we have an innate fear of being forgotten, but if there’s physical evidence then it’s proof of our existence. Hmmmm?
I no longer write those words, I left that phase behind a long time ago! I was thinking, though, how when I would do so, I may have been there physically, but not mentally. I was always somewhere else. And even though I’ve written about this before, I couldn’t help but think about how it’s affected my kids; to have me here, but emotionally checked out.
My kids never had a chance of seeing me fully present when they were little. I was emotionally exhausted before I even had them! I’d cook, clean, read them bedtime stories, but the warmth they needed was lacking. I didn’t know how to have fun with them. I didn’t know how to play. And I just couldn’t allow myself to relax and enjoy the moment. I felt like I didn’t deserve to enjoy my life, and family. There was this sick belief in the back of my mind that if I did, it would all disappear, and I’d be left with nothing.
Now I see how this negative belief is self fulfilling if not corrected. Not because my family is gone, but I’ve noticed how they in turn have become, to a certain extent, emotionally unavailable too. I know adolescents go through the phase of detaching from their parents, so it could be a mixture of both. There is a healthy middle ground, I know it, I just haven’t gotten there yet. I want them to find it too. Going through life without emotionally connecting to others is a lonely existence, and I don’t want that for them.
Now if I write, “Jovanna is here”, it actually has meaning. It’s not just me and my thoughts, or me and my imaginary world. This life is actually enjoyable to the point that I don’t want to escape it anymore. I’m not afraid of being here emotionally and enjoying what surrounds me. What’s more freightening to me now, is reaching the end of my life regretting all those missed opportunities and moments. I can have them now, and now is all I really have. It’s what any of us have at any given moment, and it’s more than enough, when you are fully present.
Love you guys ; )