A Loser

These past few days have been rough. I’ve had sadness, a feeling of failure and a sense of loss. Sadness this time of year is nothing new for me. The shorter days and longer nights, along with the freezing temperatures, are enough to make some people suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder), me included. : (

The feeling of failure comes and goes, but not with the seasons. It comes on when my connection with my family suffers. My communication skills aren’t the best, which is why I’m working on it, but in the meantime we’re all suffering the consequences of my handicap.

My feeling of loss is what’s getting me. I’m not sure why it’s there. Maybe it’s due to me not feeling close to my kids. Yes, teenagers need their space and privacy, but I miss the days when they would crowd around me just to snuggle. No reason was needed to give a hug. On weekends any one of them would come cozy up in my bed and we’d talk or they’d fall asleep. Our outings always used to be as a family. Now, only our four year old accompanies us wherever we go, and that’s because he has no choice!

Yes, I miss my kids. I feel like the last few years that I was sunk in depression I lost them. I can’t make up for those years, but neither do I want them to continue drawing away emotionally. I could lose everything of value, but if my relationship with them remained, I wouldn’t have lost a thing. How superficial possessions become when compared to loved ones you can’t replace.

It made me think of how losing made me feel when I was a kid. Incompetent. Not having a good line of communication with them makes me feel the same way, like an incompetent loser. The difference here is that it makes me want to fight harder to overcome this, instead of thinking I can’t do any better, or that I’ve given all I can.

Effective communication is a skill. If we didn’t learn it at home, it’s worth the effort to acquire and master. It’s like learning a new language that lets you understand others on a new level. Misunderstandings will not escalate, anger will not turn to rage, if assumptions are made they will be cleared, and feelings will be expressed without fear or shame. It helps create the kind of environment children flourish in. Actually everyone does!

Sometimes it seems like we’re out to complicate our lives. I see it as, we haven’t been taught how to use our tools. And if we carry around a wound, it will take longer for us to “get it” and learn. Don’t compare your speed or ability to that of others. You are doing awesome as long as you don’t stop progressing. It’s when we decide to quit that we lose.

 

Love you guys ; )

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