Today I found a list I had cut out from a newspaper four years ago, “10 Things that inspire people to Change”. I initially kept it in my Bible. That way I could see it often and remember the things I was working to change. It was motivating at first, but soon became a reminder of what I hadn’t achieved. Looking back on how it made me feel, I would compare it to giving a drowning person tips on how to swim. The fear and panic they’re feeling won’t allow those instructions to make any sense. Their mind is in panic mode, so the kind of help they need calls for action. You can compare this list to a branch, but I needed more, because the raging waters of depression were sinking me.
Well meaning friends and family also gave me advice on how to come out of depression. This though, felt like receiving tools but no instruction on how to use them. If someone hasn’t dug out of the hole of depression, or hasn’t been taught how to use those tools, they pretty much can’t teach you how to use them either.
What I had to do first, was be brutally honest with myself. This was one of the hardest things for me, because I had fooled myself into believing that I could out run my issues, fears, and problems. Next, I had to acknowledge and accept my faults, see the destructiveness of my negativity, and also accept that I couldn’t deal w/ depression alone. Finally, I had to let myself be vulnerable, and begin to share things that to me, were extremely shameful. I will break these down and expand on them in the weeks to come. Maybe they’ll be helpful to some of you.: )
I now look forward to the journey of healing my mind. It’s no longer scary or overwhelming, and I know I’m not alone. I thank my family for not giving up on me, when I had given up on myself, especially my husband. I’m finally learning how to use the tools to dig myself out!
Oh, and about that list, I’ll also be sharing it w/ you guys in the days to come. ; )